The Work of Parenting
My "baby" is 28 years old. My years as an at-home parent spanned 1995-2006, decades ago. So, it came as a surprise to me that some of the issues I faced 20+ years ago are still with us. In fact, it's these issues that sparked my interest in founding my own business to help women in the job search, especially those women making a career change or returning to paid work after time spent caregiving.
Here are some observations and some suggestions:
Why is the term "working mom" still a thing? Think about how many times you use or hear the term "working dad." That would be never. I have never heard anyone call a father who has a paid job a "working dad." Why can we not just say "parents in the paid workforce" when we want to differentiate between parents who are receiving a paycheck for work and those parents who are focused solely on the work (and it is work) of parenting? I always say that my coaching business helps women return to the paid workforce. If a person has been home as a parent, they've been working.
Suggestion: Stop using "working mom" to describe yourself if you're a mom and you receive a paycheck in a different job. You’re a parent in the paid workforce.
Why do we continue to dismiss people who choose to stay home to parent their children as less ambitious? I hold two degrees, a bachelor's and a master's degree, from prestigious schools. The number of times people (friends) commented that I wasn't "using my degrees" while I was focused on mothering, amazed me. Why do we sometimes suggest that time spent parenting is "time off"? Once, when I was with my toddler running off some energy in an empty gym of the college that employed my husband, I ran into another faculty member there. She said "it must be nice to be on vacation all the time" to me, as I stared back in disbelief. It's certainly true that many, maybe most, families need two incomes to manage, but in some cases staying home with a child is the better option when childcare costs are considered. (This was true in our case, as I worked in the nonprofit sector.)
Suggestion: We've tempered the mommy wars of the 1990s, to be sure, but let's expand our understanding of success to go beyond professional titles or salaries.
An important champion of mothers on a career pause, Mother Untitled, recently conducted a study that found "the majority of stay-at-home moms feel misunderstood and underappreciated, with 79 percent agreeing or strongly agreeing with the statement: Most people don't understand the work that goes into being a stay-at-home mom. Similarly, 68 percent of stay-at-home mothers say they feel underappreciated."
Suggestion: Next time you're at a gathering and someone says he or she is home with the kids, ask them to tell you more. And, if you are an at-home parent yourself, remove the word "just" from your self-introduction.
In the US the pandemic exposed the childcare crisis. The challenge of childcare — not enough people want to do the job and not enough of us are willing to pay the cost — underscores some basic truths about raising children in our culture. We simply don't value caregiving. This shows up in the lack of respect given to women (and increasingly men, hooray!) who pause their paid work to take care of children, and it shows up in the amount of pay we think childcare should command.
Suggestion: Lobby for affordable and subsidized childcare, consider if we should institute a publicly financed family caregiver stipend, speak up for moms and dads.
I'm in favor of people working for pay when they need and want to, but I'm also in favor of people choosing to focus on raising their children. I'm in favor of supporting women and men to make the choices they want. If we support parents taking the time they need to focus on caregiving, we'll create a more welcoming climate for parents when they return to the paid workforce. Let's support each other in the work of parenting.
